Welcome to this tiny corner of the internet where an off-duty psychotherapist keeps the conversation going on how to make sense of this life thing we’re all doing. If you ever wondered what your therapist does off the clock—which, who among us hasn’t?—this is like that. Think of it as the adult equivalent of seeing your elementary school teacher at the grocery store picking out lemons. 🍋 I typically oscillate between long-form psychoeducation pieces and narrative essays—sometimes I smush them together. I also have a biweekly podcast with my husband & periodically do an advice-esque segment and roundups. Today is gonna be quick and dirty…but also clean.
If you’ve never lived in Denver, you may be surprised to learn that it snows here the most in March.1 This is a big change from my Midwest winters where it felt like the bulk of the cold and snowfall were situated between Christmas and Valentine’s Day. There, once we started hitting 60 degree days, snow was a distant memory.
It honestly drives me nuts some days trying to figure out what to dress Archie in for school. It could be literally freezing in the morning and by the time he’s playing outside in the afternoon, it could be in the upper 60’s. The weather here, she moody.
Cut to me Tuesday morning last week spiraling about what winter wear to don at drop off.
Do I wear a coat? Mittens? A hat? Snow boots? None of the above?
It had recently snowed, but wasn’t that cold. I was only gonna be outside for a few minutes. I settled on none of the above.
Book bag in the front seat, kid in the car seat, coffee in the cup holders, butt warmers on full blast.
🚨 (Low Fuel Signal dings) 🚨
Shoot. OK. I guess I’ll be standing out a gas pump.
I decide on mittens. Back into the house I go.
Which brought these monstrosities into the picture…
Every time I fish these out of our winter bin, I shake my head, laughing at myself, “What was I thinking?”
I can’t tell if these are objectively bad or just not really me. Well, maybe they are me, but a very small part of me. An impulsive part that was like “oooo fringe.” That’s not a huge part of my personality. Fringe.
Like a lot of you I suspect, I’ve been much more conscious of my consumption as I age. I use Rent The Runway if I ever need something specific, which I almost never do anymore. When I do buy clothing, I make an effort to consider sustainable options first (thank you, Reformation for having simultaneously the best jeans I’ve ever put on my body and being sustainable).
This is a far cry from the gal who if she liked a tank top from Target would buy it in every color. 😫
While reading the newsletter
does here on Substack, morning person, a few weeks ago, I was struck by a phenomenon she noticed while online shopping—“When clicking through an affiliate link on Instagram or scrolling through the recent ShopBop sale, I can easily conjure a “more perfect” version of myself, as an acclaimed author, tanned Italian goddess, or chic yoga instructor—if only I had The Thing.”
This framing really landed for me. I have bought clothing, furniture, and products mostly unconscious of the narrative it promised. You will be chic, calm, hot, happy, confident, etc. when you own/use these things.
I have bought things thinking upon having them in my possession, I would feel differently about my body or my Self, others would feel differently toward me or I’d just generally be happier.
So, what future version of myself was I trying to be when I saw these mittens and just had to have them? Your guess may be as good as mine on this one. I’m at a loss.
Was I going for whimsy?
Or someone who can have white things?2
I hate to say sophistication was a factor, but that very well may have been part of the calculation at that point.
“It’s settled. When I own these white, fluffy, fringe-lined mittens, then I will be a full posh adult.”
The Problem With When/Then Thinking
This is a language pattern I usually keep an eye out for in sessions with clients. “When ‘X’ happens, then I’ll be/feel ‘Y.’”
I’ve noticed this around bigger things like jobs, houses, partners, certain achievements, retirement, but never applied it to our day-to-day acquisitions.
Whoops.
I’ve had the fleeting thought, of course, but never really sat down and marinated in it.
With bigger purchases, it’s the “When I’m in a house, then I’ll feel (fill in the blank)”
Maybe it’s they’d feel accomplished, proud, safe, happy, settled, adult, and so on.
It’s not that the “When/Then” framing is always wrong. It’s just typically, at least for me: (1) incomplete, (2) far from immediate, and (3) a bit of attribution error.
It’s Incomplete
Let’s stick with the house example since I started us there.
For me what fell under, “When I own a home, then I will feel _____” was safe, excited, and settled. I’d be doing the right thing.
I felt those things, but I also felt equally overwhelmed, anxious, guilty, full of doubt and fear, a decent amount of impostor syndrome, and stuck.
This is how “When/Then” thinking is incomplete. It sells a fantasy of a place where all of a sudden you feel only happiness and contentment. When/Then thinking owns a ton of “Good Vibes Only T-Shirts” that, for them, always spark joy.
It promises, but fails to deliver immediacy
As I mentioned earlier, it’s not that our dream of a new job, couch, partner, or pair of jeans won’t bring us some semblance of a feeling we crave, it’s just that it’s rarely instantaneous.
Most things need to be lived in for awhile before the integration of all the feelings come together to form something resembling consensus. It kind of goes with how incomplete When/Then thinking can be. We need to cycle through all the feelings first.
Imagine this. You buy the jeans. You feel a rush of dopamine. You bring them home. Try them on again. They fit great, but the stress around the money you spent is creeping in. You wear them the next day and feel less in love, confidence in the purchase fades even more. Two weeks later you wash them for the first time, crossing your fingers behind your back, hoping they pass this test. Have you made an investment error? In a true miracle, they fit even better after being washed. You wear them to work, to the store, on a date. Six weeks later, maybe, just maybe, you can have a real sense of how you feel about them.
It may be a bit of attribution error
When we think of something we are able to purchase as the turning point, as the crux of worthiness, rather than the effort and/or experience it reflects, we can find ourselves experiencing joy of the more fleeting variety (sometimes it can even be absent all together).
It seems giving credit to a thing rather than to an experience could lead us to assign meaning to the wrong part. It’s the whole outcome v. experience knot people can find themselves in.
When I’m going through my closet, one thing I often find I have that I don’t need (cough, never needed) are high heels. The idea that high heels would make me instantly sexy or more confident feels like a mis-attribution, at best. For one, I’ve always hated wearing them. Isn’t it possible, if I felt confident while wearing heels, it had more to do with how I felt inside my own body and mind at a specific moment in time? A wedding with a bunch of loved ones or a fancy date with incredible company and food. Put differently, could I wear the same heels in a different context and not feel confident? I feel like the answer is most definitely a yes for me.
I have to get clear on what these things are delivering. It’s typically just the thing itself. I’m responsible for bringing the rest.
Now What?
As you may see, all three of these qualms with When/Then thinking seem to play off one another. They bleed into one another, making the other one stronger.
My antidote to When/Then thinking is Now/What.
If I’m in the market for buying a few things, that could like like:
“Now that I’m doing Pilates more, what do I need?
“Now that I’m working from home, what would be value-add for work wear and gear?
“Now that I’m feeling this way in my body, what purchase would be the most attuned to that?”
I noticed this became especially useful after becoming a mother. My life changed in so many ways and yet I kept buying clothes from my previous life. Only to watch these items collect dust and resentment. In no way am I saying lay over and accept defeat (I still buy a mini-skirt and get out of the house every once in awhile). It’s just that connecting to the now and making purchases from that place often feels less muddled for me. I still move forward toward things I want, but I just try to start with the now.
I’ve had the nagging sense I needed to spring clean for weeks, but once I saw those gloves, it became less a thought and more a stampede in my mind.
“What other items of absolute foolery do I have in this house?”
I’m sure we all cringe when we see certain things in our closets or homes, but I find worse than the cringe is the recognition I spent actual money on something that doesn’t really reflect me. That maybe even reflects me trying to be something I’m not. Something a part of me thinks is better than I am.
This especially bums me out when there are things that are lasting and connect with our sense of self. The vintage dress that stands the test of time or pieces of furniture that just work indefinitely. The soul recognition of something that feels like you.
Whenever I spring clean/purge/Marie Kondo my face off, I always feel some relief, but also some sadness and nostalgia.
It kind of goes back to what Leslie said. It’s like I’m watching the things I thought I'd get to/should be someday be packed up and shipped off.
It’s sadness, regret, and ultimately compassion. It wasn’t until I started really letting myself feel all this that anything changed in my consuming habits. It had to feel kind of shitty first.
I think we all know when a thing we buy lands perfectly or fulfills a need.3 A deep exhale of “Thank goodness someone created this.” I’m looking for that feeling.
I'm in my era of doing Marie Kondo in reverse. Meaning, in order for me to make a purchase, it needs to be nearly undeniable. As I mentioned earlier, I know it won’t be a complete about face, it will take time, and it’s not the thing alone that brings the feeling.
As we close here, I’m going to level with you. I didn’t spring clean this weekend. Archie was in the stratosphere energy-wise and the weather was beautiful. We spent a lot of it outside and moving. I am so deeply spent that I’m barely keeping my eyes open at 8:30p. So I didn’t follow through on my task and I apologize for any typos you may catch.
While I didn’t spring clean, I did use the Now/What strategy.
“Now that you’re exhausted, what are you gonna do?”
I’m gonna do my best.
This was my best.
Questions for you:
What is the equivalent of fringed mittens in your home?
What comes up for you when you do a clean out?
Or conversely, when you’re buying?
Do you relate to this idea that sometimes we buy things because of a future Self rather than who we are in the moment we click “pay now”?
What are some When/Thens you’ve had? What did they feel like? Did they come to fruition?
What about any Now/Whats you could play around with?
You can find more info and my full disclaimer on my about page here (I recently updated it, so check her out and tell me what you think). Abridged version: I’m a therapist, but not your therapist—even if you are a client of mine ~hi, dear one!~ this isn’t a session. dialoguing is an educational and informational newsletter only, not a substitute for mental health treatment.
Also, if you’re interested in submitting a question for the dialogue league, recent example here, please email me at dialoguingsubstack@gmail.com—or if you’re reading this via email you can just hit reply and send me a message. Love hearing from you for any and all reasons!
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This is a theme in my life. I bought a cream couch with a toddler and 2 cats in the house. Am I deranged? While editing this, I had to treat a white sweater with vinegar and dish soap because I got lipstick on the sleeve. It’s a sickness. My husband just watches me buy white shit and rolls his eyes. This is my delusion, OK?
Quick affiliate-free products I swear by: Sleep mask, mini portable sound machine (doubles as a speaker), Bedtime Tea, aforementioned reformation jeans, these vuori flares (word of warning I often trip in these, but not everyone is as klutzy as I can be), crew neck sweater, owala water bottle, free people onesie, and l’ange brush dryer.
I fucking love walking. Walking has helped me through some tough stuff-grief, illness, injuries. Now, I mostly walk with the dogs, in a state park, early in the morning. I have so much more to say about EMDR and completing the stress response, but typing is boring 😉 I always feel like I need to send you a voice memo after I read your posts. But before I go: Dear Archie, I see you on celebrating when the sun is awake. I love it too, little dude.
It can be so difficult to purge when needed. I have to be in the mood for it but when I am I am ruthless. I like reframing the buying question as now/what. Since bodies change, it is nice to think of buying clothes as you mentioned “Now that I’m feeling this way in my body, what purchase would be the most attuned to that?” I am going to remember that! Often, when I want to buy something, I make myself sleep on it. I think I'm pretty lucky right now in that I am not really wanting or needing any clothing. In a previous life that was not the case!
I ALSO HATE WEARING HIGH HEELS.They are not comfortable.